Is Voyeurism Wrong?
Doc Chaves,I’m a 38-year-old guy with a very, very hot younger girl across my building courtyard who has a habit of leaving the blinds open and walking around naked. I’ve been watching her more and more and noticing it’s getting to the point where I know her schedule and routine. I’m starting to feel guilty, like I’m doing something wrong.- Anonymous There’s about two million guys reading this who are wondering where you live, and that’s a mild estimate. I hate to think of myself as the right-and-wrong police, so let's dissect what you’re experiencing. You masturbate. Fantastic. It’s a healthy, normative activity with a plethora of health, immune and psychological benefits for most. You fantasize. Excellent. Most people who fantasize have imaginative and creative sexual expressions and outlets. You enjoy voyeurism. That's great. Show me a guy who doesn’t get visually excited, whether it's by their partner, erotica, a fetishistic expression, an exotic dancer, or just about anything we can pin our eyeballs on. For the most part, we’re all voyeurs to a certain extent. My only concern is that she’s not a willing participant, and we can’t assume she’s into being watched or is an exhibitionist. Maybe the blinds are open for sunlight and she walks around naked because she’s drying off after a shower. Who knows? The judge may not buy a “She does it every night at 7 p.m.” or a “It’s her fault for leaving the blinds open” defense if the legal system ever got introduced to your situation. My guess is the guilt may be surrounded with this aspect of non-consent. Do you feel the same guilt when you see consensual nudity (exotic dancing, porn, a nude beach, etc.)? The guilt could also be associated with experiencing arousal and its resulting shame. Take a good look at what the roots of your guilt are and see if there are ways to express this arousal in more consenting and equally arousing manners. That may help with the guilty feelings. Check out our article on voyeurism and exhibitionism for more insight and information on consensuality.How Much Does Insecurity Affect Men's Sex Lives?
I’ve read a few times about girls having body-image issues and how it affects them in bed. Does this happen to guys? It’s weird -- I don’t really care about my body, except when I’m about to have sex or am having it. Then it’s a big deal for me.-Anonymous One of the least-discussed aspects of male sexuality is how our negative body image impacts our sexual psyche. I remember being in graduate school and working in clinics where we’d discuss eating disorders, and it seemed mostly contextualized as a female issue. It’s also male issue. The same goes for body-image struggles; they are both human issues. Nod your head, gentlemen, if you ever had thoughts or feelings of shame, judgment or criticism about your body before or during sex. Just about every guy has experienced it. Some look down and reminisce about their washboard abs from college, only to see a current stomach that looks more like a bowl of jello jiggling. Others get down on their penis for it’s extreme small or large size, girth and/or shape, no matter how much lifetime work their penis puts in for arousal, erection and sexy time. Some worry about their chicken legs, acne scars, lack of muscle definition, level of attractiveness, hair loss, stamina, and… Wait a minute -- that was all about me. How narcissistic. You get the idea and surely have your own individual negative body-image thoughts if you’re being honest with yourself. It’s possible you don’t care as much about your body when clothed because, well, you’re clothed. It’s a socially accepted way for us to hide, deflect and avoid facing the discomfort and fears associated with our appearance. I wonder how you feel about going to the beach, swimming or changing in front of others? It may not be entirely about performance anxiety with having sex but more accurately associated with discomfort or erotophobic responses toward self-nudity or being viewed nude. As many suggest, facing and talking about fears is a good start in managing or overcoming them. Some body-image difficulties affect more people than others, and some are fixed (penis size) while others can be altered or improved. Self-help anxiety and body-image books are a great start and help many people. A therapist can also help you work on these anxieties.I know a number of swingers and nudists who I look up to. They walk around comfortable in their own skin, not because they look perfect by society’s standards but because they feel perfect according to their own standards. A nice mindset to strive for.
Most guys know more about what’s under the hood of a car than they do about what's under the hood of a clitoris. We’re woefully “ill-cliterate,” which is a shame when you consider that the clitoris -- with more than 18 parts, twice as many nerve endings as the penis, and the enviable ability to produce multiple orgasms -- is the indisputable powerhouse of the female orgasm. Fortunately, when pleasuring a woman, there are multiple methods for multiple orgasms, so in the spirit of resourcefulness, here are some sexual survival tips for making it happen.
Avoid Freud
Forget everything you learned in Psychology 101. Sigmund Freud made a name for himself demonizing the clitoris and formulating a truly kooky view of women’s sexuality. Freud got the idea into his head that the clitoris was an immature source of sexual pleasure, a mere launching pad for the more mature vaginal orgasm, which, of course, could only be produced via genital intercourse. At the end of his life, Freud acknowledged his incomplete understanding of female sexuality and said, “If you want to know more about femininity, you must interrogate your own experience, or turn to the poets, or else wait until science can give you more profound and more coherent information.” Or, for today’s modern guy, just turn to the woman in bed next to you and deploy some basic cliteracy.Ladies first
When it comes to satisfying a woman, a little old-fashioned chivalry goes a long way. Lest you think the importance of such courtesy is over-exaggerated, direct your attention to Lorena Bobbitt who, when questioned by police as to why she cut off her husband’s penis, responded, “He always has an orgasm and doesn’t wait for me. It’s unfair.” Need one say more? The simple fact is that the male orgasm typically comes easy. Masters and Johnson dubbed it “ejaculatory inevitability” and the late Dr. Alfred C. Kinsey declared that 75% of men ejaculate within two minutes. Is it any surprise, then, that researchers from the University of Chicago declared in the 1994 Sex in America Survey that men reach orgasm during intercourse far more consistently than women do, and that three-quarters of men, but less than a third of women, always have orgasms? This means that more than two out of three women on average are consistently denied their climax -- good reason to start hiding the cutlery. Studies such as those by Kinsey and Masters & Johnson have concluded that, among women whose partners spent 21 minutes or longer on foreplay, only 7.7% failed to reach orgasm consistently. That’s a shift of tectonic proportions, from two out of three women not being able to reach climax to 9 out of 10 achieving satisfaction, all due to a matter of minutes. So take the path of the true gentleman: Postpone your pleasure. As Sir Thomas Wyatt wrote, “Patience shall be my song.”Think outside the box
Rare is the man who boasts in the locker room, “I made love to her as subtly and lightly as a feather” or, “I grazed her vulva as with the delicate wings of a butterfly.” Yet such language would be appropriate, since the inner two-thirds of the vagina are substantially less sensitive than the outer third. So think outside the box (pun definitely intended), but know that the clitoris is extremely sensitive to physical sensation and needs to be properly prepped for serious stimulation. Avoid her genitals and go easy on the breasts for a good 10 to 15 minutes. Let's get to some of the best methods for multiple orgasms...
I want to share something with all of you, and it’s something personal.About 14 years ago, I moved to Los Angeles from San Diego. I had a pretty bad stretch in my life before I moved to L.A. I basically lost a business and had to start a brand new business from scratch. And at that point in my life, I was used to having access to the good life. Living in a place by the beach, having nice cars. I felt like I used to “be somebody” and suddenly I became a shell of my former self.That experience really affected me as a man, and ultimately it made me feel like less of one.When I moved, I was hit with a lot of reality. The first reality was that there's a ton of beautiful women here, and I wanted to meet them all. The second reality was that I was broke, and that reality sucked even harder.I remember meeting this incredibly hot girl -- I mean she was hot. I saw her staring at some magazines, and I walked over to her, flirted with her, we exchanged numbers, we walked to the parking lot, she got into a BMW with after-market wheels, and I got into a Grand Cherokee that was late on payments. I remember thinking to myself, “Man, this woman's got a Bimmer? I've got to be somebody to date her.”I wanted to take her out to dinner, but that would be breaking one of my biggest dating rules: Always live within your means, and the woman will appreciate you as a man no matter what. And if she doesn’t, forget her.So I broke my own rule and took her out to dinner, charged it and had a little room left on the credit card. We went out for this great meal, and we had a blast. A couple days later, she actually called me and wanted to do it again, and I thought to myself, “I can't do it again. I can't afford another dinner like this for at least another month! I'm starting a new business, I don't have much money anymore, and I certainly can't blow another $100 on a meal!”I didn't know what to do, so I blew her off. I felt insignificant and insecure, so I didn’t see her again.About six months later, I ran into her. I was at a coffee shop getting a cup of tea, and she was behind me in line. I turned around and I said, “Whoa, hey, how are you?” She said that she was great, and we started talking -- the chemistry was obviously still there.Then she asked what she had probably been wanting to ask for six months: “Why didn't you call me back? I wanted to hang with you again.”At that point, I was starting to do better. My business was growing a little bit, and I was starting to feel better about myself and my identity as a man. I looked at her point blank, and I said, “I didn't call you back because I was broke. I took you out to this great meal because I wanted to impress you, which is really not what I'm about. I love taking women out for a great meal, but only when I can afford it, and let me tell you something, I could not afford that meal! I had just moved to Los Angeles, and I was starting a new business when I met you. I thought that I would need to do those things to romance you, and I wasn’t sure that I could keep it up.”What happened next was that she gave me one of the greatest life lessons ever, something that I've been teaching men ever since. She looked directly in my eyes and said, “I could care less about the dinner. It was our conversations, the chemistry we had. I just wanted to hang with you because we could have gone anywhere. We could have taken a walk. Why didn't you tell me the situation you were in? I would have totally respected it. I've been there before in my life. I know what that's like.”
This is an excerpt from The Natural: How to Effortlessly Attract the Women You Want by Richard La Ruina. Buy the book here.Getting a number close is a great accomplishment. As we’ve seen, though, it’s no guarantee of an actual date—and certainly no guarantee that you’ll see action later. Things aren’t entirely out of your hands, however; how you conduct yourself in the follow-up will in large part determine a girl’s response.Let’s look at some of the options you have for communicating during follow-up—and the advantages and dangers of each.
Text Game
Questions about texting a girl come up time and time again when I’m training guys. I used to be the worst possible texter, with most of my numbers flaking. Now my text game is very solid; it doesn’t ever let me down. Text game is actually pretty simple, and if you follow my rules for texting you should notice a big difference right away. If you don’t want that prized number to turn into a flake, pay attention:✓✓ Use only one question mark per message.✓✓ Your messages, unless scripted, should be shorter than hers.✓✓ Use a “fire-and-forget” strategy—send the message, put the phone down, and go do something else.✓✓ If she texts you back, take your time before responding. Don’t rush right over to the phone. Take at least as long to reply as she did.✓✓ When you write a message, leave it as a draft for ten minutes; then go back and read it again—and make sure it’s not embarrassing!✓✓ If she asks a question (like “How’s it going?”) to which you can give only a boring response—don’t answer it.✓✓ If she asks multiple questions, don’t answer them all.✓✓ The best time to send a text message is when you’re busy or on your way somewhere. It shouldn’t look like you spent too long thinking about what to say. It should look like you finally got around to it and are answering nonchalantly.✓✓ Don’t use xoxo’s or smiley faces . . . ever! Even if she does.✓✓ Never send two texts in a row within forty-eight hours without a response.✓✓ If she doesn’t reply, wait at least five days before trying again.✓✓ Don’t try to arrange the date on the first text; this is usually instant death! Finally, for examples of actual text messages that you can send, go to www.puatraining.com/textgame.Phone Game
Some guys prefer getting on the phone. My friend and longtime wingman Anthony P. is one of those. But it’s a lot tougher to talk to someone when you aren’t face-to-face, so when you get her number, it needs to be as solid as possible. If you call after a number close and she answers enthusiastically—it’s on. With a couple of minutes’ chat, you can probably set up a date pretty easily. If you call and she’s a bit cold or noncommittal—“Who? Oh yeah . . . I remember. . . umm . . . hi”—try to be as interesting as possible. Excerpted from The Natural: How to Effortlessly Attract the Women You Want by Richard La Ruina. Reprinted with permission from HarperOne, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers. How To Overcome A Fear Of Rejection
It’s eerie to read about your life in someone else’s book. In my wife Pamela Druckerman’s Bringing Up Bébé (which is now outselling all my own books by a sobering factor), she describes the moment our doctor in Paris told us we were going to have twins.First Pamela recounts her own ecstasy: “I feel like I’ve been given an enormous gift: two pizzas.” Then she notices that I’m possibly already having a heart attack:“I’ll never be able to go to a café again,” he says. Already he foresees the end of his free time.“You could get one of those home espresso makers,” the doctor says.But four years later, I still get coffee in the cafe every day. I buy my wife’s argument that French parenting is good for kids. (I know I have to say that, but I really do believe it.) But perhaps more importantly: French parenting is good for dads. My life with three children is full-on and frequently insane, but not as insane as it might be in another country. A basic idea in Bringing Up Bébé is that French parents don’t live in the service of their kids. They don’t attend every soccer practice or stand in the rain waving through every ride on the merry-go-round. At bedtime here, the kids are supposed to stay in their rooms and let their parents have adult time. There’s no, “OK, just one more 'Baa, Baa, Black Sheep,' and then…” Kids here learn that parents have needs too. In short, French parenting isn’t just about sacrifice. And generally speaking among French parents, sacrifice isn’t anything to boast about. RELATED VIDEO: Are American Bad Parents? I’d always sensed that was what I wanted. A fortnight after my first child was born, a friend came to stay. He was getting divorced. It was a Saturday, and we sat watching a random English soccer game on TV. “Doesn’t your wife mind you watching soccer on the weekend?” he asked.“She encourages it,” I explained.He said his wife insisted that their weekends belonged entirely to the children. He mostly agreed with that, he said, except that after a stressful week’s work he would have loved just one cappuccino in a café on Saturday morning. “You’re not allowed that?” I asked. I’d always assumed that coffee in a café was a human right. But his wife had forbidden it.They order this matter better in France. The French view, as Bringing Up Bébé explains, is that a useful gift you can give your children is two happy parents in a happy marriage. I admire parents who can be happy never having coffee in a café, but I’m not one of them. If I sacrificed the café, I’d resent my kids. And it would be illogical, too. Should you sacrifice cafés and everything else for your kids, just so that they can grow up and sacrifice everything when they have kids? Call me selfish, but the endless cycle of adult sacrifice doesn’t appeal.So when we became parents, we gradually started copying most French parents around us. When our kids were very young, we put them into the excellent state crèches (daycares). In playgrounds I often read the paper instead of cheering on the children every time they went down the slide. At my daughter’s ballet class now, I drop her off and go to get coffee. No parent stays to watch. I suspect you aren’t even allowed to.Even then, life is still hardly endless days in cafés. I sometimes envy husbands with stay-at-home wives, guys who can call from the office and say, “Honey, the boss is keeping me here till 10 tonight.” But I am not one of them. My wife works (she spent three years researching French parenting, contrary to the suggestions of certain pundits that she just wrote about a couple of rich Parisians she happened to meet). I don’t have a boss. I just sit alone in a room writing articles. So if I need to be home at 4 p.m., I can be. I have no excuse.A lot of childcare is fun. A lot isn’t. Children are from Venus and adults are from Mars. We often find their conversation as dull as they do ours. I want time with my children and also time with a café crème. So far -- vive la France -- I’ve just about hung onto both.Pamela Druckerman’s Bringing Up Bébé is available on Amazon.
So you underestimated the importance of Valentine’s Day this year and failed to hit the proper heart-shaped mark. The wrath of your lady might be due to an obviously last-minute gift (we know you didn’t exactly slave over that gift card and box of conversation heart candies), your having forgotten the pesky holiday altogether, or any of a slew of other possible misdemeanors. Now you’re in the doghouse and cursing yourself for failing to properly worship at the altar of fat baby cherubs and overpriced flower bouquets. Fear not! There’s still an opportunity to make up for a bad Valentine's Day. Follow these easy steps and you’ll be well on your way to getting back in the good graces of your girlfriend and grabbing yourself a piece of that extra-lovin’ pie that always gets served after a successful romantic holiday.
Acknowledge your mistake
You’re already on the right track with wanting to make things right with your girlfriend, but this isn’t the time to justify your good intentions with the old “you’re making a big deal about nothing” excuse. That attitude will spoil the plan and your girl will be able to detect the distinct odor of self-righteous douchebaggery from a mile away. You might not understand the fuss over Valentine’s Day. You might even have a girlfriend who says she doesn’t understand the fuss either. But here’s the chocolate-covered catch: She’s allowed to talk about how she dislikes the holiday but still expect you to go the extra mile to celebrate it. Double standard? Maybe, but you guys are usually the ones reaping the benefits from double standards, so suck it up on this one. Even the most independent women have that secret part of themselves that loves romance. No, we don’t want it every day, but Valentine's Day allows us one opportunity to indulge in these otherwise cheesy rituals, and we need your help to do it. Once you’ve successfully fessed up to yourself, it’s time to fess up to your girlfriend. Your best bet is to start with an apology. You feel bad enough to want to make things right, so an apology should flow easily and sincerely and should endear her to your Valentine’s Day redux idea. To make up for a bad Valentine's Day, check out the tips on the next page...
It looks like 2012 is going to be a very good year. SI's Swimsuit Issue has finally arrived, and the cover girl is -- drumroll, please -- none other than the Dougie-dancing Kate Upton. We're pretty big fans of Upton, and it's safe to say you are, too, as you voted her into the coveted No. 2 spot on our Top 99 Most Desirable Women of 2012. We think it's got something to do with her All-American face and mind-bending curves, but it doesn't really boil down to a specific formula. All we can say is, the more scantily clad Upton we see, the better. Check out the 2012 Swimsuit Issue here.
Merely half a decade ago, Thomas Wesley Pentz (better known as Diplo) and partner DJ Low Budget were just two college kids in Philadelphia promoting parties. But Diplo's knack for mixing wildly different genres into dance favorites made him one of the biggest names on the global DJ scene. Not only was his debut freshman mix tape Never Scared honored in The New York Times as one of the best albums of 2003, but his career and good name spread like an international wildfire from the stereos of clubs to critics alike. He went on to help make M.I.A.’s Grammy-nominated hit “Paper Planes” and word on tracks for Beyonce, Kid Cudi, Chris Brown, Shakira, Snoop Dogg, Das Racist, and many more. Today, he manages his own record label Mad Decent and nonprofit organization Heaps Decent. Diplo works hard, and he’s dedicated to his craft as a trend-setting cultural curator.Diplo’s latest project is a book, 128 Beats Per Minute: Diplo’s Visual Guide To Music, Culture, and Everything in Between (Universe). It’s a collaboration with photographer Shane McCauley and features a glowing forward by designer Alexander Wang. The book details his world travels and his sonic discoveries as he delves into everything from dub reggae in Jamaica to the electro/techno scene in Tel Aviv. “Right now, all we have are party pictures and fliers, and that bit of soul isn’t there as the scene lingers in the mainstream,” Diplo told us. “I wanted to document what is really going on, right now, in the world of dance parties and raves. It just shows how there is a connection between all these things we take for granted.”From some luxurious place in Los Angeles, Diplo talked to us about about girls, relationships and making the most out of Valentine's Day.What songs top your romantic playlist?That's pretty hard. Something like Massive Attack "Protection" is up there, or Van Morrison "Astral Weeks."What was the worst date you've ever been on?[Laughs] I don't go on dates, man.Any spectacular girls you just can't shake?There was this one time I hung out with a singer/songwriter girl. We had some whisky, and I was nervous and so far from charming. Luckily she stayed in touch even though I was so lame. She was my crush for so long.First kiss story?I can’t remember that, but I do remember I kissed this girl in middle school that was my enemy, my arch rival, but one day we happened to run into each other when we were in the street sneaking out of some school function at the convention center. We saw some police and we hid in a ditch and we started to make out. I think we both thought it was pretty weird, and we didn’t speak about it again.What is the most embarrassing thing that has happened to you in the sack? How did you recover?Well, lots of embarrassing things happen with girls.How has your perspective on love and sex changed in the last 10 years? What did you learn in your 20s?I've learned a lot. You don’t really have a chance with a real relationship unless you would give up everything for it. Now, I'm with an awesome girl with a baby, and I didn't plan it, but I couldn't ever ask for a better person to share this life with.What are the most important things to remember about sustaining a happy, exciting relationship?I have heard never go to bed angry, and that makes sense. Unless you're always checking yourself, a grudge or something small can break apart a relationship, and you start to forget what is so amazing about your partner.
Want to know how to score on Valentine's Day? Throughout the country, hordes of lonely women are without a partner for the day that celebrates love and togetherness, but it’s a special kind of lonely. It’s a state of aloneness that’s mired in sensations of long-term concern, tinged with a dash of good old-fashioned self-doubt. The holidays are over, the dreary winter days will stick around for a while, and when happy couples are on full display on Valentine's Day, it’s the final straw. Granted, many single men are suffering as well, but it just seems to hit the females harder. This being the case, if a guy wants to know how to score on Valentine's Day and wishes to pick up one of these down-and-out ladies, it’s going to be one of the most challenging excursions of the year. But you have a few advantages. In many ways, she simply detests the idea of spending Valentine’s Day alone, and even if you’re not exactly on a date, you can be there for her. At the very least, she’s not alone, and of course, neither are you. Furthermore, you may realize that Valentine's Day falls on a weekday this year, which means you may have to change things up a bit. The traditional pick-up locales -- bars and clubs -- may not be a hot spot on this evening, so perhaps it’s best to widen your search radius. Some women might opt to spend the day shopping, for example, so the malls could present some surprising possibilities. But no matter how you look at, Valentine’s Day isn’t a typical day of the year. This one is only for the veterans, kiddies.
Know Who You're Dealing With
As previously outlined, there are two types of women you will typically encounter when out and about on Valentine’s Day -- one is depressed and moody while the other puts on a brave face and heads out to secure a night of meaningless passion. Now, while it may be possible to get that sweaty, vice-filled night with both types of chicks, the approach is crucial for one while the departure is important for the other. Clearly, the hot-to-trot cutie is an easier target, but you must remember this persona is likely only temporary. If you hang on too long, you could suffer the long-term consequences. But you can’t possibly ignore the fact that Valentine’s Day is one of only 365 days when a lot of lonely women would love nothing more than a quick fling… if only to stave off depression. It’s a golden opportunity. Speaking of depression, there’s the other kind of lady, the one who can’t find the brave face and would much rather succumb to moodiness. For her, the approach matters most; you absolutely cannot represent her male savior. As desperate as she may be to find him, you’re not the “one,” and you need to make that clear. What you are, however, is a companion for the evening. In fact, you could even play the “take care of each other” card by simply offering to keep each other company on the loneliest night of the year for single individuals. Of course, the first step is confirming the target is single, but provided you’re not hitting up a woman waiting on her date at a romantic restaurant, you should be able to manage.It’s just another day
This outlook will work with just about every woman, regardless of what they’re feeling. February 14th is just another day of the year, and simply because it celebrates love doesn’t mean the world stops turning for bachelors and bachelorettes. If you treat it as such and put this view on display, you will probably get a positive response from single women… and a lot of dirty looks from committed couples. It’s a battle out there, and we must realize that couples and singles are at odds on Valentine’s Day; one group despises the other for a 24-hour span, as bizarre as that sounds. Saying “oh, it’s just another day” will be insulting for the blissful twosome, but it’s exactly what the all-by-my-lonesome female wants to hear. Obviously, there’s always the possibility of failure if you take the concept too far. It’s fine to be in a good mood and shrug off the lack of a significant other, but you shouldn’t cast aspersions on the holiday by being too “loud and proud.” The couples can have their day and you won’t begrudge them that. But on the other hand, you’re not a bad person for being single… and neither is she. “Ah, Valentine’s Day, Shmalentine’s Day,” but don’t go overboard. More on how to score on Valentine's Day...
Trying to figure out what women want is at best complicated, and, at worst, a never-ending puzzle. Even uber-thinker Stephen Hawking, who has solved many of the universe’s mysteries, admitted the biggest mystery to him is women. Thankfully a new set of clues has just been published. The 2012 Harlequin Romance Report surveyed 1,500 single women aged 18-40 and found them to be very clear about what they want and don’t want, at least when it comes to love. First the good news. What turns women on? In the report the most common male traits that women claim put their heart aflutter are “a sense of humor” and a “killer smile.” This is perfect anthropological data. Cross-cultural studies show that women are attracted to mates based on intelligence, kindness and resource potential. A sense of humor is linked to intelligence, and a killer smile is an indicator of kindness. So, a crash course at The Improv or a visit to your local dentist might be just the thing to rev up your dating life. Now the not-so-easy-to-swallow news. What turns women off? According to the Harlequin study, four traits or behaviors were most often sited as deal breakers for women. The first was “men who are too needy.” The study didn’t provide a definition of needy, but it’s a term in our cultural lexicon that implies emotional dependency. Of course, women are wired to desire an emotionally intimate connection with a man, so on face value their rejection of “neediness” sounds counterintuitive. But let’s think about this. What kind of persistent “needs” do some men need satisfied? Time, money and sex, perhaps. If a dude becomes a time-sink, a purse-drain or a demanding sex machine, women run for the hills. Or maybe their definition of “neediness” just implies insecurity. Right behind “neediness” in the turnoff department was “men who are addicted to their smartphones.” Seriously, guys. Those fun little surges of dopamine you get from an exciting email or text should be trumped by the surges of other things you get in her presence. If you want to impress a woman, turn off the phone and focus on her. Another big turnoff was “men who display too many photos of them with their exes on Facebook.” I know. I get it. Seeing all those photos of you with those past gals reminds you of just how lovable you are. And you are lovable. But women don’t see it that way. They wonder if you’re a player or insecure. They want to be the only woman in your public space, not part of a harem. Finally, women don’t like men who are grammatically challenged. If you’re going to train her to have a mostly text relationship, then at least spell correctly. The study showed that women still like text messages to have good spelling and punctuation. This is a sign of intelligence. So be smart. Smile. Focus. And make a woman feel like she’s the only one. Now, is that so complicated?
Here at AskMen, we’re all about helping guys. But sometimes advice from one dude to another can only go so far. That’s why we decided to go straight to the source to find out what the world's hottest women actually expect from us.This week, we turned to model, Guy Code TV host (she's also got an upcoming show in the works) and Maxim's "Sexiest Girl 2010" to make the desires of the female sex a little less mysterious.What’s the biggest grooming mistake a guy could make?A big grooming mistake that guys make is probably getting rid of all their body hair. I think that most girls do like it and find it sexy, and when it grows back, it's kind of itchy if you're going to cuddle with them. What’s sexier: the macho alpha male or scruffy beta guy?I would like a combo of both. I definitely want someone who takes charge, but I don't want someone who I'm never going to see cry. I want someone who has some emotions to him.What jewelry is acceptable for men to wear?I think a watch. That's all you really need. And if you're married, maybe a wedding ring. But, to me, just a watch. I don't like guys who wear too many accessories. I want to to be the one who wears accessories. I don't want to trade bracelets with my man.Biggest turn-on in a guy?Biggest turn-on is a guy who is confident and who knows what he's talking about, who is intelligent and who is eager to be the best person he can be. Somebody who recognizes that he has potential and wants to go and do something for himself and make something of his life. That's a huge turn-on.Biggest turnoff?Biggest turnoff is laziness. I like when a guy goes the extra mile. I think that's sexy. So when a guy is lazy, it's definitely a big no-no for me.Who should pay on the first date?I think a guy should always be a gentleman, but if a girl isn't interested in a guy romantically, she shouldn't lead him on and let him pay for everything. What’s the best compliment anyone’s ever given you?I think the best compliment someone can give is when you can tell it's genuine, when you're not even looking for one. Like when I feel I don't look my best and someone tells me that I'm beautiful. It means a lot to me. Like when I'm not even trying.Would you date a guy who makes less than it would take to comfortably support a family?I absolutely would date a guy who doesn't make a lot of money, as long as he has ambitions and he's looking for something else. I think everybody is given a talent, and once you find out what that is, that talent will make money for you. So if the guy's not making a lot of money, it just means he hasn't figured out what he's good at yet. So I would be willing to help him figure out what it is that he's good at -- help him maximize how much money he's making. Would you care if a guy picked you up in a garbage-strewn beater?I'm actually a really fun girl, and I like to try out different things. If anyone gets embarrassed by the kind of car her guy is driving, then she's not the girl for him. There's someone out there for everybody, and that just won't ever be a good match. I don't care about that kind of stuff. I'm from Brooklyn, NY, and I've been in hoopties and all those different kinds of cars, and it doesn't matter. We just like to get from point A to point B. I don't even have a car!One final piece of advice for men in five words or less: Just make me laugh.
sensual biting don’ts
1- Don’t bite random areas
No matter how much she enjoys this kind of play, random sensual biting can result in a very turned-off woman. In other words, don’t bite the first thing you see, unless it’s one of the areas we’ve already discussed. Biting the wrong place could really freak her out and ruin an otherwise sexy evening -- especially if she’s never been bitten by anyone before. We want her moaning with pleasure, not agony.2- Don’t make noises
She may love it when you turn into an animal, but that doesn’t mean she wants you to sound like one. Certain noises simply have no place in the bedroom -- slurping and smacking of the lips are particularly disgusting. No matter how skilled you are at nibbling her neckline, toss a slurp in there and that’s the end of that. Silliness can have the same effect, so avoid comments like “Yummy!” or other sayings one might hear on a playground while you practice sensual biting.3- Don’t gnaw
It goes without saying, but the more you nip one particular area, the less pleasurable the sensation becomes. The same goes for anything resembling a chewing motion: There’s nothing sexy about feeling gnawed upon. Keep your sensual biting crisp, clean and quick to prevent her feeling like a chew toy.love bites
Sensual biting can be a very pleasurable experience for a woman, and it’s something many of them secretly yearn for. Unfortunately, men often hesitate to experiment with the idea, fearing they might be thought of as too animalistic. Rest assured, biting is a natural instinct that arouses even the most vanilla of women. Take these sensual biting tips to bed and watch how quickly she melts in your mouth.
Like it or not, Valentine's Day is almost here. And, yes, you do have to acknowledge it. There's the cheesy route and there's the sincere, memorable one, and we hope you all choose the latter. But we know it's hard, so we asked you guys to send us the best Valentine's Day gifts you ever gave. Here were the three most original responses.
Sometimes the Unromantic is The Most romantic
Eric: I ordered a pair of original slush mugs. It's not the most romantic idea, but it's fun, and my girlfriend drinks juice all of the time. Customize It
Angad: I'm gifting my girl a perfume made especially for her, with the kind of notes she prefers, and it'll be named after her. I think it would make for a perfect Valentine's gift.DIY Always Impresses Her
Matt E: My girlfriend loves Nutella, but her parents stress that she only eat organic dark chocolate. So I found a recipe to make dark chocolate Nutella and whipped up a whole batch of organic dark Nutella. It tastes better than the original.
And you thought Blake Lively, Miley Cyrus and Rihanna were exceptions to the rule. As it turns out, sexting is quite popular with the ladies. Harlequin, the popular romance novel publisher, ran a survey with women that reported that 43% of women talk dirty through texts. Drilling down into that 43%, a whopping two-thirds said they would only send racy messages while in a serious relationship, while 35% only need a few dates before they’re ready to start sexting. Meanwhile, 27% of women admitted to sending nude pictures via email or text message. It’s become so common that it’s not even embarrassing or career-threatening (for celebrities) to be seen nude. For women like Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton, it’s actually been a boon for their careers. So much for sugar, spice and everything nice. What started with a raunchy high school girl outfit in Britney Spears’ “Oops!...I Did It Again” video has now transformed the new generation of women.
Gentlemen, Valentine’s Day is fast approaching. While it might not be your favorite holiday, the woman in your life right now feels differently. The only way to make this day not suck for both of you is for you to make it amazing. This is the year when you will bring the wood on Valentine’s Day. It’s really not that complicated.Romance is something that I think a lot of couples lack, despite everyone fundamentally desiring it -- especially women. The fundamental rule you need to abide by on Valentine’s Day is that it’s all about her. There's nothing about you on this day. You've got to become the most selfless man out there. You've got to make this day special from beginning to end, regardless of how you feel about Hallmark holidays.To be honest with you, I think Valentine's Day is a useless holiday. I know I’m not the only guy who feels this way. Regardless of what we think, women want to feel special on this day. From the second they wake up that morning, they're waiting for their Valentine's Day surprises. They awake in a state of anticipation, like kids on Christmas.If you live together and you do nothing in the morning before she go to work, you've already made her anxious. So my suggestion to all of you guys: Wake up earlier. Cook her breakfast, make her coffee and send her out with coffee to go. Bonus points if you bought some whipped cream the night before and snuck some into her to-go mug.Do something you don't normally do. That way, when she gets to the office and she hears all the other women saying “You won’t believe what my husband did,” she'll be able to share her experience, too.At the office, the flowers from her colleagues' husbands and boyfriends will start showing up, and all the women are going to be gossiping. So make sure that on Valentine's Day you send her something to the office -- something cute, maybe just a card, or one flower, or maybe just an email with a song. Or maybe you can send her a song about the way you feel about her during the day -- something different, because she's going to be talking to girls all day long.That's what women do -- they talk. And she doesn't want to feel like you've ignored Valentine's Day, especially in front of her friends. She doesn't want to feel neglected.This Valentine’s Day, forget about the reservations and the expensive, mediocre restaurant meal. (Ask any restaurant cook, and they'll admit they’re on autopilot on Valentine’s Day.) Create the most intimate picnic you've ever had at home. The picnic is going to be in your living room. What you're going to do is you're going to light the entire living room with candles. You're going to put on some great music, you're going to put rose petals all along the blanket and in the entrance of your house. You're going to create romance as she walks in. You're going to tell her to be at your house at 7:30 p.m. because you have a surprise for her.Suggest she wear something that makes her feel sexy. She's going to walk in, music will be playing, candles lit all around, and the two of you are going to sit down in the middle of your living room and have a picnic and a bottle of wine. It is by far the most romantic Valentine's Day she will ever have.She will go into that office the very next day and tell all her friends and colleagues, and they’ll all envy her because they will have sat in crowded restaurants with their dates, just like last year. That is how you distinguish yourself on Valentine's Day, how you honor the woman in your life and create romance.For all you single guys, I've got one quick tip for all of you. Before you go into the office on Valentine's day, buy a box of those little cards that kids pass around in grade school, because everyone loves to get a little something, even if it’s from a friendly acquaintance. Buy those cards, write your colleagues' name on it and say “Happy Valentine's Day! Love, Bill in accounting” or whatever it might be. Be cute and hand them out during the course of the day to the women in the office.They're going to feel good. They're going to remember it and they're going to look at you differently as that really cool nice guy who made them feel great about being single on Valentine's Day. If you don't want to do the cards, you can walk around with those little conversation heart candies and you can basically give them out.It's all about being a man. It's all about being honorable, and it's all about making women feel really amazing. If you're single and you want to earn brownie points with the women for the rest of the year, go for it. If you're in a relationship, those brownie points may be even more valuable.
Seinfeld character George Costanza once discovered just how powerful his brain could be if he stopped thinking about sex. Now a new study at Purdue University has confirmed his breakthrough finding.Researchers examined 42 Indiana high schools, all of which were similar in community size, enrollment and racial demographics. Half of the schools offered an abstinence education program, which encouraged kids to wait until adulthood before getting jiggy, and those schools scored higher in the controlled math exam. For each year the school had employed the abstinence program, their students’ grades rose by 1.5%.The professors concluded that encouraging rational thinking about sex led to improved marks and fewer teen pregnancies. Their hypothesis works, but we all know why the grades went up.It’s exactly what Jerry told George: When the brain is preoccupied by sex, the amount of intellect is sapped. If a smaller portion of the brain is focused on sex, it frees up more room to think about the rest of life.Does that mean our best time to study and learn is post-orgasm?
Women work hard to earn a paycheck, but it's not always enough. A new study suggests that many women would make some serious sacrifices in return for some help paying bills.Research firm Toluna examined the bill payment behaviors of Americans and found that 35% of people struggle to cover their monthly spending. The survey of 1,000 people found that 21% of women would be willing to go without sex for six months in order to have their bills covered for one month. But only 16% of men would agree to the same trade.It's unclear what portion of the participants were virgins, married with stale sex lives or just weren't very sexually active.Another option was for survey takers to gain 15 pounds for one month of paid bills, and women were far less keen on this option. Only 5% would go for it, with single women even less interested.So what's the No. 1 comfort that Americans would give up for one month of bill payments? TV. Up to 25% would give up the tube, followed by 18% willing to put down their mobile phones for a month.
We’ve all been there: After a fabulous romp that makes you feel like Rocky bounding up that giant staircase, your body suddenly shuts down. Even reaching for the remote control is out of the question, as you feel your mind slipping into blissful post-coital dreamland. Now a new study looks at couples where one partner tends to fall asleep immediately after sex. The researchers suggest that there could be a psychological reason for the behavior. It seems that where there is a sleepy post-coital partner, there tends to be another partner longing for bonding and affection. The study’s authors, evolutionary psychologists at the University of Michigan and Albright College in Pennsylvania, pose the idea that falling asleep soon after sex might be an indicator that a partner wants to avoid chats about things like commitment. A classic intimacy-avoidance tactic, if you will. Sounds like a good theory to me, except for one other interesting finding. There was no gender dominance to the behavior. Yup, despite what chicks like to profess, guys are no more likely to conk out after a lovemaking session than women are. And we all know that avoiding emotional talk that goes deeper than “How was your day?” is a favorite male hobby. RELATED VIDEO: Is It OK To Fall Asleep After Sex? The study is entitled "Tendencies To Fall Asleep First After Sex Are Associated With Greater Partner Desires For Bonding And Affection." Yup, straightforward enough. It was published in the Journal of Social, Evolutionary, and Cultural Psychology, and it examined 456 survey participants who answered online questions. Then they responded to: "Who falls asleep after sex?" and "Who falls asleep first when going to bed not after sex?" Those who had partners who fell into snooze-land right after having sex reported stronger desires for post-coital cuddling and chatting. So, here’s the Dr. Wendy take on the whole mess. First of all, anyone who reads studies knows that the word “association” does not imply “causation.” In other words, just because two behaviors exist together -- in this case, sleepiness and longing -- doesn’t mean one causes the other or that they are related in any way, except that they lie side by side. My knowledge of human attachment theory shows that when one has an insecure romantic attachment style, he/she tends to choose partners that will fulfill their most-wished for nightmare. We recreate the familiar, even if it's painful. This study supports that very theory. People with insecure attachment styles -- those prone to longing and anxiety related to their intimate relationships -- tend to chose post-coital snoozers. A partner falling asleep summons up his or her own feelings of longing and abandonment. So, should one try harder to stay awake for an insecure partner? No way. But one should definitely talk about the subject in the bright light of morning and reassure the wakeful partner that all is well in relationship land. Love is still in the air.
Here at AskMen, we’re all about helping guys. But sometimes advice from one dude to another can only go so far. That’s why we decided to go straight to the source to find out what the world's hottest women actually expect from us.This week, we asked actress, Attack of the Show! co-host and Top 99er Candace Bailey, whose girl-next-door beauty impresses gamers and regular humans alike, what she looks for in guys. What’s the best compliment anyone’s ever given you?Recently, a childhood friend's father told me that I am the exact same person I've always been. That meant a lot to me, because so many people in this business forget who they are and where they came from. I am who I am because of my upbringing.What’s the biggest grooming mistake a guy could make?I once dated this guy who had amazing hair. I loved his hair. Then one day I met up with him, and his hair was gone. All gone! He completely buzzed it all off! Now, lots of guys look good with a buzzed head, but he was not one of those guys. If you are thinking about drastically changing your hair, maybe mention it before you do it.Biggest turn-on in a guy?I always love a guy who can make me laugh and who can be a goofball with me. I'm a nut, and I need someone who won't judge that but will join in with me.Biggest turnoff?My biggest turnoff in a guy is someone who tries so hard to impress, be it through money, job, connections, etc. I want a guy who is real and who doesn't take himself too seriously. And don't even get me started on name-dropping! If a guy I'm on a date with starts dropping names, I immediately check out.What jewelry is acceptable for men to wear? I don't mind jewelry on guys. Rings, bracelets, a necklace, a watch. I'm really fine with or without any jewelry. If you like wearing a necklace, wear the necklace. If the girl has a problem with it, she's probably the wrong girl for you. You want to be able to be who you are without worrying about whether or not the girl is gonna like it. Now, if the guy wears an anklet or a toe ring, that's an entirely different story!Would you date a guy who makes less than it would take to comfortably support a family? I absolutely would. I don't date a guy based on what kind of money he makes; I base it on what kind of person he is. Obviously, every girl wants to be taken care of in a way, but if he's the guy I think I could end up with, and he has ambition, anything can be figured out. Besides, I love what I do, and I plan on continuing to work, even when I have kids.What’s sexier: Macho alpha male or scruffy beta?That's a hard one. Both are sexy. I'm generally drawn to the alpha male a little more, but there's something so sexy about a scruffy beta. I can't choose.Who should pay on the first date?The guy. If a guy asks me out on a date, he should pay for it -- especially a first date. I'm a little old-school when it comes to that. The guy is giving off a first impression, and you want it to be a good one. However, I always offer to pay a couple of dates in. Sometimes I'll pay, sometimes we'll go Dutch. I have absolutely no problem paying for myself now and again. I actually think the girl should pay now and again. It's not fair to the guy to always have to pick up the check. But for the first date, the guy should definitely pay!Would you care if a guy picked you up in a garbage-strewn beater? Honestly, it would be a little bit of a turnoff. I don't care what kind of car the guy drives, but if he doesn't take care of his car, or at least gets it all cleaned up for a date, he's not sending a very good message. I want a guy who can take care of himself, and if he can't even take care of his car, it doesn't seem like there's much luck for the rest of it.One final piece of advice for men in five words or less: Embrace who you are. RELATED VIDEO: Did She Make Our Top 99 List This Year?
Is It Strange To Have Secret Furry Fantasies?
Doc Chaves,One of my secret fantasies is furries and being a character who has sex. I was wondering if you know anything about this and if you could give me some guidance on what to do. I don’t feel OK at all with telling people, but at the same time I keep thinking about it and want to know if more people are out there like me. -AnonymousFurry lifestyle is a growing sexual genre that has become more popular in the mainstream in recent years. People who are into furries are sometimes called furry lifestylers and essentially are folks who gravitate toward animated, fictional characters or animals with human qualities and personalities. Some do it for fun enjoyment reasons and others do it for similar reasons with an added sexual flavor. As with most aspects of human pleasure, diversity wins and people have identified sexual components to their furriness. People enjoy furries from a sexual perspective for a variety of reasons. Some like the anonymity and being able to express themselves in a manner that’s different from their real-life persona. Others are aroused by the animalistic outfits and turned on by the sexualized aspects of roleplay or their partners’ furry characteristics. Some like to keep things online and computerized, while others enjoy role-playing in animal suits made for arousal and to express their erotic urges sexually. There are even furry erotic movies. Furry expression is a wonderful way to express creative fantasy urges in a safe and harmless manner. One common misconception is that these people have some underlying mental health issue; there’s no evidence to suggest this. Another false belief is they enjoy actual sexual contact with animals, which is totally incorrect. I would encourage you to safely explore your desires and have some fun with this. There are online social communities, such as Furry 4 Life and FurNation, kind of like Furry Facebooks. There are also conventions such as Anthrocon in Pittsburgh and Califur in Southern California to meet people and find a sense of belonging and community. One recent online survey found that one-third of respondents had a significant sexual interest in furries and almost half had a minor sexual interest. Although we don’t have accurate prevalence rates, we are likely talking about tens of thousands of people in this country who get aroused by the furry culture. I’m certain there’s someone out there for you if you start to create possibilities.Doc Chaves gives more tips, next...
Have you always wanted to go on a date, sleep with the woman immediately and never see her again? Do you find yourself at the bar on a Friday night looking around and wondering how to land that one-night stand? Here are three ways of pulling it off.
Situation No. 1: On A Date
Let's say you're on a date and you like her, but you know you don't like her enough to be your girlfriend. You know that you don't want to spend the next month pretending to like her, pretending to want to have a relationship with her, just so you can get in her pants.So, here you go: You're laughing with her, you're having a good time, and then it all comes down to the crucial moment: How do you tell this beautiful woman sitting across from you that you do not want a relationship but would like to sleep with her?This is what I'd do: Look directly in her eyes and do not break eye contact. Then say this: "Listen, I'm not looking for a relationship right now. I think you're wonderful, but I’ve got to tell you that I know I can't give you what you need right now, and there's no reason for us to do the dance. But I do find you intriguing, really alluring and incredibly sexy, and I would love to spend the night with you tonight and show you exactly how I feel right now."Do not break eye contact at this moment because this is going to tell whether you're strong and not afraid, and it's also going to show her that you're a guy who's done this before and you're going to give her a good time. She might hem, she might haw a little bit, and she might say, “Well I'm not really looking for a one-night stand.” That's when you look at her again and say this: "I'm honest. I really don't like to play games at all. I could have lied to you, and I could have told you I wanted a relationship. I could have pursued you like a lot of guys do, just to get into your pants, and then leave you confused when I don't call. But I have to tell you I am so intrigued by what you feel like. I can't stop thinking about how you and I would be together, because I know just by looking at you there are a lot of things that I can do to make you feel unbelievable tonight. And I really would like that opportunity to do that right now."Once again, do not hesitate. The choice is hers. If she says no, look at her and tell her you understand and respect that. Leave it at that. You might run into her a few weeks later, and she might be in the mood -- and you've already planted the seed.Situation No. 2: At The Bar
So, you're at a bar and you're looking around. You find the one woman who keeps breaking away from her friends. She's constantly breaking for the bathroom, going to the bar herself to get a drink. She’s basically turning her back on the group and looking at different men.What she's doing is trying to find the guy who she can either get a date with or have a fling with. What you need to do is become very playful with her. Call her out on what she's doing. Walk by and say, “I know what you're doing tonight, and I know what you're looking for. I've been watching you. I'll be back.” Leave a little bit of intrigue. About 10 minutes later, whisper in her ear and say, “What was wrong with that guy? Was that guy not the one for you for the night? I know you're interviewing tonight; I can see it.”More tips on how to score a one-night stand, next... 
For centuries, women have been trying to figure out why men constantly lie -- especially in the courtship phase. A new study by a dating coach/pickup artist website PUA Training has finally got the answer. (Or an answer. It's not exactly a Harvard study.) Apparently, a staggering amount of men lie about their financial stability in order to appeal to the opposite sex. The figures show that 79.3% of guys mislead girls when it comes to money, jobs and their income. Even if the numbers are a little bit skewed since that site's demographic is mostly males who need assistance, the reality is that many men think along these lines. Males love to embellish, brag and exaggerate who they are because they believe that material things impress women -- even though bombshells like her, her and her continually state they are looking for more authentic qualities. The good news is that most of the men in this study admit they don’t like the deceit. 67% would rather tell the truth if they felt it was good enough. Welcome to reality. Women use makeup to embellish their looks and men use lies to embellish their image. It’s not right, but it’s just the way the game is played.
This latest Twitter trend made us realize something: Not only can women be irrational, but they can misconstrue what we say so much that it can become an internet sensation.Guys, it's not rocket science. But it sure is entertaining. Without further ado, here are some of the better additions from the women of the world to the trending hashtag #3WordsThatWomenHate.
It's A Man's World" is a column on anything and everything related to the modern man, by Ian Lang. If there are any topics you'd like to see addressed here, send them to us at editorial@askmen.com, or let us know in the comments section.Who doesn’t want to do better with the ladies? Even if you’re in a steady relationship (or even married), it’s nice to know you’ve still “got it” when it comes to the fairer sex. Sadly, nature (being the mother of all cock blocks) makes it difficult for us by making women harder to figure out than the Riemann hypothesis. This is good for women because it makes it such that only the most capable of suitors find themselves getting the ladies’ attention (a damning example of the 80/20 rule if I ever saw one).
Does this secret weapon even work?
Fortunately for men, all is not lost. Our secret weapon in the battle of the sexes is known as the dating coach, a “professional” who, ostensibly, has the know-how and skill necessary to transform Stan Marsh into Steve McQueen. Indeed, many companies and individuals advertise guaranteed results, though I’m not sure how they define a result. Thousands of men spend tens of thousands of dollars every year on books, seminars and boot camps hoping to improve their chances of consensual coitus.There is such a thing as a good dating coach (I’m by and large a fan of David Wygant’s writing, here on AskMen and elsewhere, and there are a handful of other good dating gurus whose writing appears on this site), but most of these coaches are good at teaching men overall life skills and applying them specifically in a romantic setting. Because, really, that’s more or less what dating success boils down to -- social skills. Men who are able to read into social cues and respond accordingly are simply going to be more successful in any situation (including dating) than men who are not, regardless of looks, status, etc. But instead of just teaching broad, common-sense concepts that would neither fill many pages nor be considered revolutionary to many readers, many dating gurus develop theories and strategies that promise to unlock the secrets of exactly what you need to say and do in order to score that hot half-Asian/half-Colombian girl beckoning you from across the bar (I know most guys like blondes, but it’s my column, so we’re using my fantasy). RELATED VIDEO: The Truth About Talking To WomenPractice does not always make perfect
To demonstrate my problem with this, I’m reminded of a fraternity brother of mine. He purchased some dating books and would often “try out” some of the lines on his female roommate. I give him a lot of credit for at least practicing, but, unsurprisingly, his roommate’s typical response was, “No, that probably wouldn’t work.” Similarly, I recall being in a bar in Stamford, CT, sitting next to two women who were maybe in their 30s. A guy my age approached and proceeded to spit out entire routines of canned pickup material. Despite making no headway whatsoever, he plowed ahead with all the finesse of a torch juggler, finally asking for and being denied phone numbers.Both anecdotes represent the fundamental problem with any dating manual: There’s no such thing as a universally perfect pickup line. My reasonably good-looking and successful fraternity brother’s lines fell flat for the same reason those of the nerdy kid did. It doesn’t matter how brilliant something is on paper or coming from someone else’s mouth, because if it’s not something that you would naturally say, women are going to know it. A chubby, awkward guy trying to demonstrate status by telling a girl his ex was a model will come across as less believable than a bunch of politicians playing an honest game of poker. For as much as dating books highlight women’s heightened ability to pick up on social cues, much of their advice centers on boldly ignoring that and misrepresenting yourself in one way or another.Every single poll of women says the same thing: The number one thing they look for in a man is confidence. I don’t doubt this, but most men misunderstand or misconstrue what confidence really is. Going out of your way to demonstrate your value as a suitor is the opposite of confidence. All the money, all the status in the world is rendered moot when you have to flaunt it for attention.Confidence is the starting place
Confidence is a result, not a cause. A lack of confidence isn’t necessarily the result of failure, but rather the failure to meet expectations. If you’re unemployed but feel like you should be working on Wall Street, then you’re not going to feel very comfortable in your own skin. But if you’re unemployed but have a realistic view of what you can do to get back on your feet, you’ll have a lot less anxiety. Women recognize that. Musicians get laid for two reasons: 1) They can play music, and 2) Most of them genuinely believe that the sky’s the limit in terms of their success. That kind of steadfast optimism and self-assuredness is intoxicating.If you find yourself failing with women, maybe the problem is less about the man you are and more about how comfortable you are being that man. Don’t look for pickup lines, cure-alls or secret codes, because none of it will work if you’re not in the right place mentally. Reevaluate your ambitions and goals, and you’ll start coming across to others (men and women alike) as more stable, easygoing and, most importantly, confident.If you need a dating or life coach to help you do that, fine. Remember, if there really was a successful formula for figuring out women, whoever came up with it would be a lot richer and a lot more famous than any pickup artist you’ve heard of.Help make Ian Twitter famous at @TheIanLang. 
Here at AskMen, we’re all about helping guys. But sometimes advice from one dude to another can only go so far. That’s why we decided to go straight to the source to find out what the world's hottest women actually expect from us.UFC ring girl and host of Ultimate Insider Arianny Celestelet us in on what she wants from a guy, how she feels about making our Top 99 Most Desirable Women of 2012 and her time as a ring girl.